I swear, you swear, we all fucking swear at some point. There have been some recent reports floating around on the Internet about how those who swear often are usually more intelligent – bullshit. I don't agree with it. Sure I swear, but I don't think it's very nice to hear someone swearing after every second word they say. Don't get me wrong, I think swearing is great for expressing emotions and getting things off your chest.

It seems to me almost everyone has a fascination with swearing in another language. It also seems everyone is always willing to teach you how to swear in their language or wants to know how to swear in another language. I don't. I don't have any idea how I can say ''fuck off, you cunt" in Italian or any other language. But sometimes we just pick up swear words without trying. We hear the same swear word(s) repeated enough times and hey-presto we've learnt it without trying.

Here's a case when I learnt a pair of swear words without much difficulty and without trying. About 10 years ago I was in Lviv, Ukraine and I was invited to play football. I was much more agile then, with a little more hair, and a few stone lighter. During my time playing football, I heard the same two words, again, and again, and again, and again. When I left the match, these two words were echoing around in my head. I wonder if you can guess those words? They were blyat and suka. If I'm not mistaken they mean 'fuck' and 'bitch'

Let's have a look at some swear words in English.

For fuck sake – used to show frustration. When can I use it? In any situation that annoys you: Example: Oh, for fuck sake! I just missed the bus.

Cunt – the strongest of all swear words, used to describe a person you really don't like. Also a word for the vagina When can I use it? When you want to refer to a person you really 'dislike' Example: My boss is cunt he will never agree

Wanker – literally someone who masturbates. We're all wankers, right? ;) When can I use it? To insult someone, but on a way-lower level than cunt. Example: You forgot to set the alarm you wanker, now we're late

Fuck up - the perfect word to replace the noun and verb mistake When can I use it? When there has been a mistake or simply to say you made a mistake. It can also be used to describe a person who is deranged or a situation that is hard to believe. Example: How did you do in the test? I fucked on question 4 / That guy is fucked up. Some of the things he says are crazy / Really? You lost your job? That's fucked up

Dick / cock / prick / bellend – the first three refer to the penis and bellend refers to the head of a penis - because it's like a bell shape, how creative. When can I use it? Again this refers to people mostly and isn't so offensive, but of course it can be used to talk about the magical instrument. Example: Don't bring Leo with you, he's always a dick.

Knob-jockey / faggot / cock-sucker - there are a bazillion words used to insult homosexual males, but these are probably the most common and are more commonly used to insult your mates rather than any one batting for the other team. When can I use it? to really insult your friends or a homosexual male Example: Stop being a faggot and change the channel.

Fuck off – the classic. It all depends on the intonation here because a light 'fuck off' can be used to show surprise. A strong one can be serious. Especially when a girl says it! And, it can also be used to talk about size. Remember earlier I said a fuck off list. Well that fuck off meant very big. When can I use it? To tell someone to go away in a stronger sense, to react to surprise, or to say something is big Example: I won £1000 yesterday. Fuck off! / Please, just fuck off! / I'm not hungry I just had a fuck off lunch.

Slut / whore / cum bucket - To talk about girls who sleep with many men. When can I use it? When you really want to offend a female Example: Sally is a slut she has slept with everyone in the office

Fucked – It has a few meanings including drunk, tired, and when something no-longer works. When can I use it? When you're very tired, drunk, in a bad situation, or something doesn't work any longer Example: I've been standing all day. I'm fucked / I got so fucked last night I can't remember anything / I've lost my bank card, I'm fucked / The TV is fucked. I have to buy a new one.

Shit / wank - in simple terms these two are used to describe things that aren't very good. Of course you can say to have a wank which means to masturbate and to have a shit which means to go to the toilet, but more commonly they are used as adjectives for bad things. When can I use it? when something or the quality of something isn't very good Example: I read the book and I enjoyed it. I saw the film last night and it was wank.

Piss off - this is fuck off's little baby brother with some of the same uses When can I use it? to tell someone to go away in a light sense than fuck off and to react to surprise Example: Please, piss off, I'm trying to study / Brad Pitt came into my shop today. Piss off!

Twat - another word referring to the female genitals, but much less harsh than cunt. It's more common usage refers to stupid and annoying people. It can also be used as a verb. When can I use it? to refer to that 'idiot' or annoying person, or when you hit something very hard Example: He is a stupid twat / I twatted the wheel of my car against the curb.

Bullshit / bollocks -words to be used when we don't agree or think someone is lying. When can I use it? When we don't think the information we have been told or read is true or we agree Example: Everything he says is bullshit/bollocks

Pissed / shit-faced / wankered - adjectives to describe how drunk someone is When can I use it? When you want to describe how drunk you or your friends are Example: Don't get him another drink he's shit-faced

Fucking – the master intensifier. whenever we want to make that noun bigger. Hello fucking. When can I use it? when you want to make Example: It's fucking Monday tomorrow.

Let's try and practise them like good students

What would you say.....

Your soup splashed on your beautiful white t-shirt...
Your boss has given you extra work which means your weekend will never happen....
Your mate was very drunk last time....
Your brother keeps annoying you...
You have been told by your friend they've just won a large sum of money...
You were studying all night and only got 2 hours sleep....
Your trip was better than good....
You watched a film that everyone said was amazing, but it was....


I hope you learnt something new today... now fuck off


Extra: For everyone who has done the 'swearing' lesson with me before, below you will find a recap of what we talked about when it comes to the word FUCK.

Read the conversations and match the correct FUCK word and expression to its meaning

Conversation 1
A: My boss has called me 5 times this morning, I wish he would just fuck off
B: They probably need you for something important
A: I'm sure our new colleague from Colombia has fucked up again with the Italian project
B: I hope not or we are all fucked. I need the bonus money from that project

Conversation 2
A: Did you hear about the news in Russia?
B: Honestly, I don't give a fuck.
A: OK, what are you doing tonight?
B: I feel fucked, so I'm probably going to go to bed early

Conversation 3
A: What the fuck? Why is my t-shirt pink!!!!!
B: My blue t-shirt was in the washing machine.
A: This is my favourite fucking t-shirt.
B: I'm sorry!
A: For fuck sake!!
C: What's wrong?
B: A is fucked off because he didn't check before he used the washing machine

Conversation 4
A: We are going to the new clothes museum in town, do you want to come?
B: Fuck that, the football is on in an hour

Conversation: 5
A: Are you ready for the test on Monday?
B: No. I've done fuck all revision
A: This is a pretty serious test.
B: Yeah I know, but my laptop is fucked, so I haven't been able to do anything

Conversation 6
A: Where is D?
B: Fuck knows
C: He is running late
A: Fuck me! Again? That's 4 times this week
C: He's got a new girlfriend
A: That's the problem. He is too busy fucking his new girlfriend than working

1) Used to express disbelief
2) Used to say there is nothing or you have done nothing
3) Used in frustration
4) Used when you are not interested in a subject or topic
5) Used for when you are very tired
6) Used when something is broken or not working properly
7) Used to emphasis something
8) Used to say you are annoyed or something annoys you
9) Used when you make a mistake
10) Used when you are in a bad situation
11) Used to tell someone to go away
12) Used as a replacement for sex
13) Used when when think something is a bad idea
14) Used to show surprise or confusion
15) Used when you don't know anything

Key: 11 / 9 / 10 / 4 / 5 / 14 / 7 / 3 / 8 / 13 / 2 / 6 / 1 / 15 /12

Cheers
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